nexplanon updates

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wanna use wanna die

hi. i miss michelle a lot

i ran for two hours today

i felt good but now i feel pointless

i bought a bar of soap thats handmade and organic.

it has lavender and a bunch of essential oils, and has st johns wort which is an antidepressant. anti-sad soap. its called happy morning

my boyfriend might move to the other side of the country for six months. he wants to stay together. i always thought i love him more but i dont think i could do that and he could do it easily. i dont want him to go

i need a cleansing. i want a clean room and new bed sheets.

right now im washing every article of clothing i own. i have 2 more loads to do

i feel so disgusting. too pasty and pale so i tan. too out of shape so i run. too messy so i binge clean. dirty. im so dirty. too in love so i cry. 

maybe my new soap will help

i feel like half of me is missing since michelle went to college. i think im trying to fill the void with things she does, like cleaning and driving around aimlessly and drinking a lot of milkshakes. i think i got the job i got now because it reminds me of her because we always eat ice cream pretty much 24/7. without her here i feel unhealthy. when i got to see her every day i never worried about what i ate and i never got scared that one day ill get too sad or too lonely. i never thought i had to change because michelle was always there to let me know she loves me no matter what i do. louie loves me. he loves me no matter what. but i need both of them here. they both are on to bigger and better things and i still need constant attention just to try not to kill myself. im so needy and annoying and gross 

happy siblings day my two siblings on my moms side are both heroin addicts and my other sister is an alcoholic and is way too cool for me

my boyfriend gets so mad at me when i talk about weight loss ebcause hes into thick girls and he thinks im hot but when he says that it makes me want to lose weight evenmore bc i wanna see if he’ll still think im hot even when im skinny just cus he loves me maybe


"i can’t change, even if i tried, even if i wanted to.

my love, my love, my love, my love

she keeps me warm.”

i know most people associate this line with that macklemore song but i just listened to the original song that the chorus is from and it made me cry and those lyrics mean so much to me honestly because i get so much shit for being bisexual from both straight AND gay people, as if my sexuality just doesnt count. im a fetish or an attention seeker, a whore or a liar. its not my fault. im sorry. for a long time i really wished i could just “pick one or the other” but now i realize that i dont have to. this is who i am and thats okay. im allowed to be this way. im allowed to have feelings for more than one gender. im not a liar. im not a whore. im not looking for attention. and im sure as hell not your fucking fetish. i don’t even tell people unless i absolutely have to because im constantly ready to be made fun of and i just dont want to anymore. i cant wait for the day that my sexuality is just as important as being gay or straight. 

i take everything i said in the last post back. im so fucking funny omfg idec if im physically appealing to anyone because i’m so funny and even if im not pretty at least i know im not as ugly as dumb boys are

im so gross. im so gross. im so gross. oh my god, i’m disgusting. i’ll never be pretty or skinny or nice or funny. i’m forever destined to be mediocre. not fat but not thin. not pretty but not ugly. i’m just flat out a fucking bitch, too, and i don’t even mean to be. i’m not funny, just mean and awkward. none of my friends want to be around me anymore. my best friend won’t even visit me anymore. every time i hang out with someone, they just make fun of how annoying i am. i hate myself. i used to have so many friends, and now all i have is louie. hes the only one who will hang out with me. no one else wants to see me or talk to me because i’m just annoying and a waste of space. 

i know this is lame but sometimes i get frustrated by those posts that are like “hey daily reminder that you’re beautiful and you look great today and blahvlahakdhgkjshgkjsdf!” because like i know they mean well and it is a cute idea but i get really upset because i want to be complimented by it but im just like nah they dont mean me. 

srsly tho our relationship is so perfect? i mean he can be unreliable sometimes bc he really sucks at waking up when i need a ride but thats it? we compromise on everything and i never worry about him talking to another girl and hes not worried about me doing that either and all we do is chill out and play games and watch tv and talk and we know everything about each other and its all just soooo comfortable and wonderful and we never ever ever ever fight! like i said we’ve been together for a year now and we’ve never even came close to breaking up. he considers his home my home, and his parents accepted me into their family long ago and know me better than my own family does at this point. the best part is that we both know that we could go on living without each other, and we don’t need each other to survive, so there’s no guilt or confusion about our relationship. its all just based on pure love and just genuinely wanting to be with each other. its so great. i would absolutely love to spend the rest of my life with him. and if that doesnt work out, if we break up tomorrow, ill still be happy that i found out what true love is and how a real relationship is supposed to be. i’m so lucky, really

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